Couples: we do not evolve at the same time
In the evolution of a couple, once the amorous and fusional stage of the first years is over, then begins a new stage, with a relationship that settles in time and where everyone gives up the idealized image of the other. to see him as he really is, with his faults and his qualities. Without questioning the structure of the couple, everyone must adapt and make efforts to establish a new relationship mode.
Professional development is often a source of disparity in the couple, especially if it is the man who occupies a central role and who knows himself professional difficulties or undergoes a dismissal. Thus, a situation of unemployment can lead to a depression that can upset the marital equilibrium and causes a regression. If this situation is experienced by the man, who had hitherto the highest salary, he may suffer a loss of self-confidence and an injury of self-esteem, especially if his companion assumes the household income.
The initial roles being reversed, the weakest link becomes the strongest link : Couples then rediscover themselves and may feel uncomfortable especially if the "strong" spouse reveals his weaknesses and another aspect of his personality. Similarly, a promotion or new responsibilities may have more or less serious repercussions on the couple's life.
Challenging the balance of relationships is another source of difficulty. When a couple is building on a relationship of domination, for example, often from woman to man, in patriarchal families, the man, chieftain, makes all the decisions, works and invests in his career to provide for the family. It may happen that her companion, hitherto docile and devoted, feels the need to realize herself outside the schema in which she is locked up. In this case, it can cause a crisis, which, according to the relationship of the couple and the worldview of each, may be only transient or deeper.
Among the causes of imbalance of the couple, we must also mention the birth of children, event generating great joys but breaks the harmony of the initial couple. Growing up, children, to assert themselves, can oppose one of the parents implicitly seeking the help of the other. Their personal difficulties in adolescence can also lead to dissension in the couple and break the initial balance, if the parental couple does not remain united to put their limits to the children.
Difficulties can also be sexual, over time, after a birth, or when one of the spouses suffers professional or personal stresses, by the illness or death of a loved one ...
How to overcome these periods of imbalance and relearn to know each other while respecting the person you have in front of you? This may involve mourning the person who has been known and idealized to better know them. The love, esteem, deep values and strong feelings that unite two people can help to overcome sometimes temporary crises, which are also part of building a relationship.
Marriage therapy can help the couple, when all communication becomes difficult between two spouses, without wanting to break up. By bringing the external, neutral view of the therapist, she can bring out elements of understanding on both sides. The role of a third party often helps to take a step back from the attitudes and behaviors of each spouse.
Each couple has a unique mode of operation and its balance is based on a set of mechanisms specific to each spouse.
The important thing if we always love someone is to never break the dialogue and to try to listen to others while formulating their own desires or aspirations. Mutual respect and listening are essential for positive change in the event of lasting tensions. Rather than "asking" offensive statements and remarks, prefer open-ended questions that promote dialogue without leading to judgment. The longer a couple's life, the more opportunities they can encounter.However, they are often necessary for everyone to find his place and his identity in the couple. Once the stage of conflicts, tensions and doubts exceeded, if the love and the esteem subsists, the couple emerges reinforced.
Our advice:
do not hesitate to call on a therapist who specializes in marital problems. It will allow you to take a necessary step back and help you to take stock in a neutral way. Avoid confiding in your best friends, which would sometimes put them in the uncomfortable position of having to take sides.
